I wrote this the other day and sent it to someone at a mock news blog. They didn't use it....so here it is:
This morning it was announced that singer and “actress”
Whitney Houston passed away from still undetermined causes. Within minutes of
hearing of the death of the 48 year old, executives from her record label
quickly booked an emergency meeting to explore all ideas on how to fully
exploit the situation for maximum profits. “So far, we are pleased with the
results….I mean, devastated by what happened. We have heard the body has cooled
considerably, making her come back less likely….er, I mean, we are saddened to
hear,” stated one record company employee. Already, editors have begun pasting
together a shoddy, full length, 3D Imax concert/biography movie. Work has also
started on assembling a CD box set of all her music, including many “lost”
tapes and “never heard before” tracks that have mysteriously popped up out of
nowhere. And several reworked and remastered editions of “The Bodyguard” are
being prepared, with extra footage, hilarious outtakes and an intimate concert
experience with Kevin Costner.
As funeral arrangements are being made, the Jackson family
is reportedly trying to figure out how they can capitalize on the event. Tito
has written a song which the family is calling, “The greatest anthem to Whitney
ever written.” Rumours are for a planned wardrobe malfunction to bring further
attention to the family whose spokesperson stated, “Any press is good press,
right?” As well, civil rights icon, Jesse Jackson is writing his speech in
which he is set to talk about how inspirational he was to her. Al Sharpton is also
expected to attend and ramble on about something. As well, reports are that an
illegitimate daughter has been found in Texas who is being groomed to make a
“tear jerking” speech that is “sure to bring the house down.” Already, the
Westboro Baptist Church has made plans to picket the wedding saying that, “She
once knew someone who was gay and didn’t chastise them properly enough about
it, and this is why she died! God hates gays and people who aren’t assholes to
them!”
Tabloids have begun to seek out photos of the death scene
and any embarrassing or stunning facts surrounding the death for print as soon
as physically possible. If anyone, from anywhere on the planet, has any idea
whatsoever of what may or may have not happened to Whitney in her final
“dramatic minutes” before her death, they are being advised not to contact
police, but to contact local tabloid offices.
UPDATE: They used it. Thanks goes out to them. Here it is on their site: http://globalnewsnetwork.us/2012/02/16/record-company-promises-full-exploitation-of-dead-celebrity-whitney-houston/
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