Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Hey Pyramid! Here is Your Warning Over BLACK PUSSY!

I am outraged! The Pyramid Cabaret in Winnipeg has booked a band (Black Pussy) with an offensive name and a call for a boycott has come forth. I have thrown my full weight behind this idea of a boycott (all 260 pounds of me). I mean, for god sakes, this is ridiculous.

What has Rock and Roll come to when bands just think they can call themselves offensive names? Back in my day, Rock and Roll was so good and pure. They never dared offend anyone, they listened to their parents, they conformed to all the rules of society and they were model citizens for everyone. Now, this FILTH!? This is what is destroying Rock and Roll...and HUMANKIND! It is the absolute destruction of our society and it creating an unsafe world!!!!

In solidarity with the boycott of the Pyramid, I have written this open letter to them. I think you will find that the venue will quickly change it's mind and start creating an atmosphere we can all enjoy thanks to these words that I have typed from my comfy activist chair:

Dear Pyramid,

I am writing today to ask you to stop booking musical artists of any kind. I am concerned that one of these artists may say or do something that will deemed offensive, and I feel that every venue, everywhere must be completely sanitized for my protection.

As long as you keep booking musical acts, you are creating an environment that is unsafe and intimidating for someone at some time, even if I wouldn't actually go see any of the artists that might offend me. Every environment everywhere must adhere to my strict standards of safety, and by booking any musical artist you have crossed a dangerous line. 

Furthermore, I am concerned that some of the patrons may say something that may offend me even if I am not at the venue, so I encourage you to ban anyone who may say something that would create an unsafe atmosphere. I will soon post a list of words, alphabetized, (also referred to as a dictionary) that will outline which words you must be on the lookout for in order to remove the offending person that may have said or thought the word or words. What would be preferable would be if you were to outright ban anyone from talking at the venue, because of the chance that something that will create a toxic environment by uttering a word or series of words that may offend those who may or may not be there. We absolutely must make sure that in every corner of the venue is completely controlled in every way to adhere to my standards. 

Other venues have banned music, talking and communication of any kind and it has created a wonderfully bland atmosphere where everyone feels safe. We all sit in silence and have a wonderfully safe time. I fully encourage you, under threat of boycott, to follow this successful model. The fact that you aren't adhering to this shows your lack of commitment to creating safe spaces where all can enjoy blandness in all of its pure, unadulterated glory without feeling any hint of discomfort or challenge. It is vital that everyone else in the community conform to my standards or they will be accused of a variety of offences that I will dole out as I see fit. And now it is YOUR turn to do the right thing, under threat of boycott and being called names, to conform, get in line, and never book bands again that may offend someone at some time, which is all bands.

Thank you for your cooperation in this manner. 

There. That should change everything! Now, the world is saved from the evils of music, particularly that devilish Rock and Roll and it's disgusting names! Take that, Rock and Roll! Take that music!


  1. Rock & Roll Pure? Um. Rock & Roll was coined as a euphemism for Fucking....

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  2. ROFLMAO. Rock N Roll, pure? Hahahahaha. You're obviously young & naive. Rock's never been pure. Even Elvis & Buddy Holly weren't called pure.

  3. Is no one getting that this is satire? I mean it's pretty blatantly satire...

  4. You guys are fucking retarded if you don't see it's sarcasm.

    "I am writing today to ask you to stop booking musical artists of any kind. I am concerned that one of these artists may say or do something that will deemed offensive, and I feel that every venue, everywhere must be completely sanitized for my protection."

    Follow up article suggestion, perhaps talk about how everyone got really sensitive at the turn of the 21st century.

  5. Manic Expressive,

    I apologize for not getting this is satire. I deal with the professionally outraged so bloody often that this struck me as identical.

    Well done on the Poe.